Thursday, August 23, 2007

It's Too Quiet

Not in the way I used to mean it. Since Chris moved back to New Hampshire, it feels like he's home again, even though he lives two hours away, so it doesn't feel as deathly quiet around here as it used to (even though it actually is!).

No, what I'm referring to is that I've actually had a chance to catch up on all the fun things that I've let go over the past year, like needlework, and in doing so, I find I'm having too much time to think. (I have also been working on a new book, which limits my Thinking time -- a good thing, as you will see.) And what I find I'm Thinking about, is This Time Last Year.

I came a little too close to the Grim Reaper for comfort, frankly. Now, while the thought of dying doesn't bother me particularly, the thought of leaving behind the people I love just eats at me. Now I find that it's difficult to forget; I hear music that I heard from that time, or think, "This time last year, I didn't even have enough energy to pick up a needle," and the whole horror washes over me again.

I'm assuming this is a form of PTSD? Anyone else have this kind of thing, where, when horrible anniversaries roll around, you relive them? How did you cope?

Obviously, this isn't the first horrible thing that happened to me in life, but it took me 20 years to get over the last truly horrible thing, and I'd rather not take so long this time (for one thing, I may not have 20 years -- comforting thought!). I'd say, "There's always booze," but have been informed that with a background that's half Irish and half Russian, I should just surrender to my Inherent Alcoholism, and that's all I need to stay away from that particular "consolation." And I have never found therapy to be particularly helpful.

Any ideas?


Mimi said...

I don't have any ideas, but you have my thoughts, prayers, and hugs, if that helps.

Elizabeth said...

Like Mimi, I am sending you love, hugs and prayers.

About getting over the nasties of last year - thankfulness for the blessing of having recovered well is probably best expressed for me in the Akathist of Thanksgiving.

Have you had a Moleben served in Thanksgiving ?
We did this after DD4 had her surgery, and it really helped to push the remembrance of a pretty grim time firmly back in the past....

Shelley said...

Sometimes commemorating the event in art is a way of consecrating and transforming that time; something like making a quilt in the Ocean Waves pattern! Personally I'm thanking God you survived as your presence this spring was essential to my conversion!

Meg said...

Thanks to all for your caring and loving words. Yes, I did have a Molieben of Thanksgiving served, in October of last year, and it was exactly the right thing to do.

Shelley, I too am grateful that I survived, because this year I have met so many wonderful people who weren't even on my radar scope last August. (As well as continuing contact with lots of other wonderful folks, whom I *have* known for some time!)

Elizabeth said...

Your experience was more troubling to you than you realized at the time, m'dear. How to deal with it? Another Molieben of Thanksgiving is the first thing I'd suggest. The Akathist Hymn Glory to God for All Things - weekly or even 2-4 times a week is the second thing.
The third thing is harder - especially for a reticent New Englander like you - ***talk about it!!!*** Over and over and over. The more you talk to someone or people about it (believe it or not), the less power it will have over you. Truly, this is so!!

You are in my prayers, m'dear!

David Riewe said...

I personally like chanting the Psalter. Some days I feel the Six Psalms were written just for me.

God Bless